Just for the Inauguration

Warning

The Following Are Kinda Funny

 
 

#1)This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog.

#2) Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Darn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn"

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."

Customer: "@#%/[email protected]&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."

17 Jan 2009
by Chris Underdal


The Break-Up of Aerosmith
aerosmith
07 Jan 2009
by Chris Underdal


Don't mess with the pop up book
popupbook
10 Dec 2008
by Chris Underdal


Crazy N.C. Laws

These are Laws in North Carolina that make no sense.

 North Carolina Crazy Law

  • It's against the law to sing off key.
  • Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.

  • Barber

    Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.

    Charlotte

  • Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

  • Elon College

  • There is to be no rollerblading during daylight hours, on the roads, or on the bricks. All the sidewalks at this college are made of brick. (Repealed in 1998)

  • Forest City

  • You must stop and call City Hall before entering town in an automobile. This is so the townspeople will have time to go out and hold their horses until you get through town.

  • Greensboro

  • Restaurants with "on sidewalk dining" must post their menu so that it is clearly readable from the sidewalk, but is not readable from the street.


  • Kill Devil Hills

  • You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars.

  • Rocky Mount

  • It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog.

  • Southern Shores

  • It is against the law to rollerblade on a state highway.

29 Nov 2008
by Chris Underdal


Henry's Haircut
henry_haircut
19 Nov 2008
by Owen Webster


Angus VS. Angus
Which one plays guitar?

Guitar_cow

Is it Mr. Angus Beef or

 

AngusYoung1

Mr. Angus Young

Personally, I think Mr. Angus Beef looks like Dustin.

And Mr. Angus Young looks like Eric.

If you know leave a comment (Seriously, this is a trick).

12 Nov 2008
by Chris Underdal


Moodle

moodle2
12 Nov 2008
by Laurie Stanek


In Honor of Election Day, 2008
Jokes:

A boy went to the grocery store with his mother.  She bought him a box of Animal Crackers. He dug through all her bags, and pulled out the box.  He then dumped them all over the table.  She came upstairs, holding four shopping bags, and saw the animal crackers all over the table.  When she asked the boy what he was doing, he said: "On this little sticker, it says 'Do not eat if the seal is broken'.  I'm looking for the seal."  

Broc Obama!
05 Nov 2008
by Emily Atkins


Funny Jokes
I thought that these were funny, so ....

#1 A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

 #2 Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a blad eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

#3 ( the last one) Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"
28 Oct 2008
by Chris Underdal


Yogurt Dance
Yogurt
22 Oct 2008
by Owen Webster


Bottle Rockets
bottlerocket
[Created by Owen Webster with "Pivot"]
15 Oct 2008
by Owen Webster


Funny Jokes

These jokes were voted number one in the world in a magazine poll.

Here is number one in the USA.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

This is number two in the USA.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

This was number one in the UK.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

These r funny lol.

by Da Beast

07 Mar 2008
by emoore


Caturday
Caturday pics are pictures of cats in weird positions with text on them. The humor is often offbeat and most people won't find it funny. Anyway, here it goes...

This is a picture of monorail cat.
There is no known reason why it says FGSFDS.
fgstgs
i-can-has-cheezburger
SeriousCat
29 Feb 2008
by emoore


Duck Hunting

A man and his friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course a new vehicle. They drive out onto the frozen lake and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole in the ice large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land in, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.

Now, these two rocket scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can.

Remember a couple of sentences back about a vehicle, the guns, and a dog??

Let's talk about the dog. It's a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. Especially well-trained at retrieving things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.

One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck..

The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.

Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two men standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

15 Feb 2008
by ejmoore


The Truth: Santa Claus
Before the explorers of the New World, people made up many things to say what was on the other side of the world. In the end, there was only one truth: Two Big uncolonized Continents. I intend to do that same truth, but with Santa Claus. People have come up with many different reasons as to why Santa delivers presents to the children of the world, but I have the truth.

Nick's had the average life of most male humans throughout High School, potty training, learning to read, elementary school, having insane urges to dance and sing, watching Kim Possible every day. Falling in love with High School Musical you know, Guy stuff.

But one day, Nick was working on a 20 page essay on the effects of  why hooking shopping carts up with "Bling" was bad as a result for a certain punishment when all of a sudden, Nick sees a reindeer outside. Now Nick, being a crazy person willing to get in all sorts of trouble for fun, decides "Hey, wouldn't it be so cool if I could ride that thing". So, Nick throws some corn out the window, luring the deer to his window. As the deer comes by, he then jumps on the deer and shouts YEEHAW! The deer then starts to panic and jumps around flailing trying to get Nick off and eventually, flings Nick into a port-o-potty. Nick, and the guy inside the port-o-potty, were unconsious for quite some time but our story is focused on Nick so lets tell about him. While in his dream, Nick did the exact same thing he did about 10 minutes ago, except the deer talked to him and said "Hey bruh, sometimes it can be fun, but doin crazy stuff can get you killed bruh" "And if you don't stop picking your nose, I'll bite your ear off". Nick then replied "Well, whats the point in life without fun?" "And I'm not picking, I'm scratching". The deer then explained to him that there was an even better joy than doing the crazyest thing you can do: Giving to someone else. He also explained that crazy stuff is still fun and you can do some of it, but there is a line. Nick then wakes up 30 minutes later to find his left sock stolen with an "I O U" in his shoe, so he starts walking back to his dorm. Nick spends all night thinking about what the deer said and he comes up with a conclusion. Go on different people's rooftops and drop presents in their house during Christmas time so people will be happy and he won't get in as much trouble. Nick has no idea how he is going to get on a rooftop, or why someone would leave an "I O U" for stealing a sock. Then he notices something on his T.V. People are doing these amazing jumps on motorcycles, and only half of them crash and severely hurt themselves. So he decides, "I'm going to Get a motorcycle". The next day, Nick goes to the motorcycle store to purchase a motorcycle and just as he is about to buy one the clerk says "Do you have a motorcycle license?" Nick then replies, "No, but I have voices in my head telling me to bribe you". The clerk then lets Nick have the bike for 20 extra dollars and Nick screams in joy "Boom Chacka Laka". At 3:00 a.m, Nick arrives at his Mom's house with a wooden ramp and a cool red hat with a white ball at the end that he got from Wal-Mart ready to jump and deliver his present to his mom. 3...2....1 VROOM VROOM he jumps and lands exactly inside of his mom's house unharmed with the bike exactly on the roof. He then places the present under her tree and walks out of the door to get his bike. When he looks on the roof, he finds that raccoons have eaten his motorcycle. Nick is crushed, and he takes a piggy back ride on a hobo back home. The next day, Nick goes to a yard sale because his dorm was getting fumagated due to the stench of not taking a shower for 6 weeks. Nick then sees this really cool raccoon repellent sleigh and figures he has nothing else that is raccoon repellent. He then purchases the sleigh for 2 dollars and gets pimp my ride to attach jets to it. So, everything works out from there great, he finds flying reindeer behind a Target. He gets the red suit in a trash can behind Hanes Middle School. And he becomes the Santa we all know and love.

07 Dec 2007
by jpittman